If I were the CEO my company would be bankrupt... and I'd likely be getting sued. I often think about what a lousy job I am doing. If I were employed by anyone, I'd be let go.
The problem is that being a mother to my three kids isn't a job. It's a 24 hour, never ending marathon in learning. And even at that, I am not catching on quickly.
Another day has come and gone and I have yelled, kissed, threatened, hugged, irritated, encouraged, forgotten and remembered all things important. And that was just before we got to school.
I wish I had unending reserves of calm, but sadly, calm escapes me.
Tonight the babysitter was overwhelmed when I got home. What is the bedtime routine? Why won't the kids stop crying? Why won't the youngest eat? The thing is - I have no idea. I don't know how I get the youngest to sleep. Most nights it's endless hours of coaxing by her bedside. Why doesn't she eat? Because she doesn't want to... and can you make her? No.
I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew why things don't run smoothly. One thing I am constantly giving up is my control. I daily have to accept that even though I am a reasonably smart human being that I have no power of the three little people that have been left in my care.
Am I running this company? No. Minute by minute it is running me. Do I enjoy it? Most of the time. When Jasper smiles at me with his gapped tooth smile, when Jenna laughs or reaches her arms out for me. When Jacob says, I love you mom and wraps his arms around me. That is the pay... the big reward. It's terrible pay, but I love it.
I am learning. Not quickly.
Today I pray for safety, sanity and security for my three dear ones so that they can survive another day while I learn how to run this company.
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