The Richness of Previous Generations

Tonight I went to visit my grandparents. I try to go every week. I am always tired at the end of a long day at work but when I get home I wrangle up the kids and make the drive - with or without my husband. It is always worth it.

We are greeted at the front door of the residence by several ladies who like to say hi to us and who enjoy chatting with the kids. Then we take the familiar elevator ride up to the fourth floor. My favorite thing is when there is another elevator rider and in 'Shauna fashion' all three kids stare, wide-eyed at our fellow traveller. Then if the doors open on another floor to let the other passenger off Jenna loudly proclaims "That not right!" After a few reassurances we carry on to the top floor of the building where Jenna lets us know "This right."

The kids run down the long hall and then ring the doorbell. Grandpa is always waiting and opens the door with a joyful hello. We all take our shoes off and I kick the randomly dropped items under the hall table so that no one trips over our collection of shoes. We have of course all worn our shorts and t-shirts as Grandpa and Grandma keep their suite at about 85 degrees. We are all typically rosy cheeked by the time we leave.

I have given the kids the usual lecture on what kind of visit this will be (calm and quiet) and that we will leave in one hour - so please don't ask me every five minutes. We talk about how many treats will be eaten, how many will be saved and how when you are talking to Grandpa or Grandma you must use your loud, clear voice and be sure to point your body toward them. Once the rules are clear we find our seats and begin our visit.

We catch up on the events of the week, who is doing what, how school and sports are going and what Jenna's latest antics are. We hear the adventures of the week that they have had. My favorite part is where I tell Grandma and Grandpa what I am struggling with. They are a wise sounding board for me with over 180 years of wisdom between them. Tonight I shared with them that Jasper has been having nightmares and has been up nearly every hour, or more, all through the night for the last six weeks. Grandma shared with me that she too had similar vivid nightmares when she was that age. She said that her dad would sit up with her in the night, hold her hand and reassure her that she would be okay. She said that they were vivid dreams, terrifying and real. She told me that even when she was roused she could not distinguish what was reality and what was a nightmare.

I am always reassured that nothing changes over the years. Even as we explain ipods and how incredible technology is now - nothing has changed relationally. A dad is still your best defense against your worst nightmares. A parent holding your hand is still your greatest ally in the dark. And perhaps most importantly for me, a parent will survive without sleep, in the name of defense against fear - both real and imagined.

I can picture Herman there, in the dark, reassuring his daughter. He was an incredible father. He gave everything to be with her. I can picture the room, the bed, the quilt, I can see him on his knees in prayer, holding her hand and comforting her through the terrifying nights. I hope that I can do the same... when I am at my wits end with getting up, I hope I can embrace it so that one day when Jasper is a Great Grandpa he can say to his Great Grandchild, my mother and dad were always there for me. I had terrifying, vivid nightmares but they were always there, telling me that it was going to be okay. They spent the wee hours in prayer - so that I would have peace in the night.

Thank you God for the gift of generations. Thank you for my Grandparents. Let me make each day a thread that will weave the legacy of who we are as a family.

Fire the CEO

If I were the CEO my company would be bankrupt... and I'd likely be getting sued. I often think about what a lousy job I am doing. If I were employed by anyone, I'd be let go.

The problem is that being a mother to my three kids isn't a job. It's a 24 hour, never ending marathon in learning. And even at that, I am not catching on quickly.

Another day has come and gone and I have yelled, kissed, threatened, hugged, irritated, encouraged, forgotten and remembered all things important. And that was just before we got to school.

I wish I had unending reserves of calm, but sadly, calm escapes me.

Tonight the babysitter was overwhelmed when I got home. What is the bedtime routine? Why won't the kids stop crying? Why won't the youngest eat? The thing is - I have no idea. I don't know how I get the youngest to sleep. Most nights it's endless hours of coaxing by her bedside. Why doesn't she eat? Because she doesn't want to... and can you make her? No.

I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew why things don't run smoothly. One thing I am constantly giving up is my control. I daily have to accept that even though I am a reasonably smart human being that I have no power of the three little people that have been left in my care.

Am I running this company? No. Minute by minute it is running me. Do I enjoy it? Most of the time. When Jasper smiles at me with his gapped tooth smile, when Jenna laughs or reaches her arms out for me. When Jacob says, I love you mom and wraps his arms around me. That is the pay... the big reward. It's terrible pay, but I love it.

I am learning. Not quickly.

Today I pray for safety, sanity and security for my three dear ones so that they can survive another day while I learn how to run this company.