Throughout my Christian life I have heard the voice of God - that quiet intuition, the sense the you should, or shouldn't do something, the idea in your head that goes against what you normally would think of - a bible verse you remember that seems to speak to just what you are dealing with. Mostly I have tried to listen to that voice - Christ in me.
This last month God has been speaking to me often, and with urgency, through His word, my dreams, people in our lives. I have been attentive and listening as I have been making big decisions.
This summer it has been my mission to get each of the kids the help they need for their mental and physical health problems. I have Jacob who needs help with his education this fall... what school, what teacher, what program? He has an appointment to get his adenoids out and his diet needs refinement. Jasper has major anxiety and sleep issues so I just got him into play therapy. Jenna has so many issues I can't even begin to list them all but I have a doctor who I am now going to who coaches me through the big hurdles, eating, sleeping and toileting for her. I now have an in-home parenting coach coming to visit on a monthly basis to actually walk me through my challenges with Jenna. Jenna will also begin play therapy this month. I have made a lot of strides. And even though things are going so well I still have times of major discouragement. It still saddens me when we go somewhere new and I see Jacob struggling to fit in, or when Jasper is crying out for the tenth time in the night, or when Jenna is crying because her tummy hurts. It is tiring, it is frustrating and it is so, so challenging.
I often look at Jacob when he is in public situations and think about how much he stands out from the other kids. I feel bad because I know that he just wants to do what everyone else is doing but that his brain and body holds him back. Today was his last day at Vacation Bible School and I saw the most WONDROUS sight. He was singing, doing the actions and SMILING up on stage. Yes, he was smiling and praising God. I have never seen him do this before. Normally he hates the volume of the music, reading the words is a challenge and to put actions to it - wow, that is enough to send him into a full rage. I stood there, watching him and tried to hold back the tears as he enthusiastically sang out.
And then, when we got home, God spoke to me softly and clearly - through the letter of a young lady, Jacob's leader from the week of Vacation Bible School. When I read the words I was completely overwhelmed. I cried. This is what God said to me...
"Jacob,
You have blessed me so much this week. You have such a sensitive and caring heart. I have watched you with the young children and Nicolas in the wheelchair - you have a heart of compassion and love. Goodness radiates out of you. I will continue to pray for you because I know how hard it is for you not to eat your favorite things. Remember all you've learned, He created you, He hears you, He sees you. I know God has an extra special plan for you, Jacob! Find the great plan He has and give Him the glory - for God is good and faithful and just. Have and awesome summer my friend."
And PS. Shauna, this is how I see this child. Whole. Loved. Pure and perfect. I entrust him to you care for a short period of time. Enjoy it. Treasure it and most of all - treat him as the special gift that he is. Learn from him. Humble yourself and teach him my unending, never failing love. Oh, and by the way, I never promised this would be easy but you can do it. I wouldn't have trusted him to you and Matt if I didn't know that you could do it.
Love God.
