What is Love? - 1 Corinthians Love Poem

This week Jacob's Educational Assistant quit. She said he was too much to handle. It was a hard situation for me. It was hard to hear someone say that they would rather give up their job than work with your child.

I personally think he is doing very well compared to some of our other tough times. I asked myself, how do I see Jacob, when someone else only sees the negative, how do I view him? How has God helped me to grow and learn to set aside the tough stuff? This is the answer...

Dear Jacob, If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not show you love, I gain nothing.

For you, Jacob, God has called me to be patient and to be kind.

I will not envy how easy it is for other children, I will not boast, I will not be too proud to ask for help.

I will not dishonor others, I will not be self-seeking, I will try not to be easily angered.

I will keep no record of wrongs - even though it is very hard to do.

I will not delight in evil but will rejoice in the truth.

I promise to always protect, always trust, always hope for the best for you, Jacob, and through all of the tough stuff God has asked me to always persevere.

I will never stop loving you Jacob.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know your life in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, when you are grown, what is in part disappears. Now that you are a child, you talk like a child, you think like a child, you reason like a child.

When you become a man, you will put the ways of childhood behind you. For now we see only a reflection of you, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now we know in part; then we shall know fully, even as we are fully known.

Now and onward Jacob, your purpose of love, sensitivity, compassion and kindness shows through all of your anger and disconnection. God reminds me how he will use you, Jacob, wherever and however you are. You have loved the disabled, you have made the mute speak, you have shown the love of Christ to the lost.

Jacob you have humbled me, taught me, tested me and loved me indescribably in the last nine years. What a gift I have been given. And now I pledge to these three things to you: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-Mom

God Speaks

Sometimes God speaks quietly, and sometimes he speaks so that there is no uncertainty that you are hearing His voice.

Throughout my Christian life I have heard the voice of God - that quiet intuition, the sense the you should, or shouldn't do something, the idea in your head that goes against what you normally would think of - a bible verse you remember that seems to speak to just what you are dealing with. Mostly I have tried to listen to that voice - Christ in me.

This last month God has been speaking to me often, and with urgency, through His word, my dreams, people in our lives. I have been attentive and listening as I have been making big decisions.

This summer it has been my mission to get each of the kids the help they need for their mental and physical health problems. I have Jacob who needs help with his education this fall... what school, what teacher, what program? He has an appointment to get his adenoids out and his diet needs refinement. Jasper has major anxiety and sleep issues so I just got him into play therapy. Jenna has so many issues I can't even begin to list them all but I have a doctor who I am now going to who coaches me through the big hurdles, eating, sleeping and toileting for her. I now have an in-home parenting coach coming to visit on a monthly basis to actually walk me through my challenges with Jenna. Jenna will also begin play therapy this month. I have made a lot of strides. And even though things are going so well I still have times of major discouragement. It still saddens me when we go somewhere new and I see Jacob struggling to fit in, or when Jasper is crying out for the tenth time in the night, or when Jenna is crying because her tummy hurts. It is tiring, it is frustrating and it is so, so challenging.

I often look at Jacob when he is in public situations and think about how much he stands out from the other kids. I feel bad because I know that he just wants to do what everyone else is doing but that his brain and body holds him back. Today was his last day at Vacation Bible School and I saw the most WONDROUS sight. He was singing, doing the actions and SMILING up on stage. Yes, he was smiling and praising God. I have never seen him do this before. Normally he hates the volume of the music, reading the words is a challenge and to put actions to it - wow, that is enough to send him into a full rage. I stood there, watching him and tried to hold back the tears as he enthusiastically sang out.

And then, when we got home, God spoke to me softly and clearly - through the letter of a young lady, Jacob's leader from the week of Vacation Bible School. When I read the words I was completely overwhelmed. I cried. This is what God said to me...

"Jacob,

You have blessed me so much this week. You have such a sensitive and caring heart. I have watched you with the young children and Nicolas in the wheelchair - you have a heart of compassion and love. Goodness radiates out of you. I will continue to pray for you because I know how hard it is for you not to eat your favorite things. Remember all you've learned, He created you, He hears you, He sees you. I know God has an extra special plan for you, Jacob! Find the great plan He has and give Him the glory - for God is good and faithful and just. Have and awesome summer my friend."

And PS. Shauna, this is how I see this child. Whole. Loved. Pure and perfect. I entrust him to you care for a short period of time. Enjoy it. Treasure it and most of all - treat him as the special gift that he is. Learn from him. Humble yourself and teach him my unending, never failing love. Oh, and by the way, I never promised this would be easy but you can do it. I wouldn't have trusted him to you and Matt if I didn't know that you could do it.

Love God.

The Richness of Previous Generations

Tonight I went to visit my grandparents. I try to go every week. I am always tired at the end of a long day at work but when I get home I wrangle up the kids and make the drive - with or without my husband. It is always worth it.

We are greeted at the front door of the residence by several ladies who like to say hi to us and who enjoy chatting with the kids. Then we take the familiar elevator ride up to the fourth floor. My favorite thing is when there is another elevator rider and in 'Shauna fashion' all three kids stare, wide-eyed at our fellow traveller. Then if the doors open on another floor to let the other passenger off Jenna loudly proclaims "That not right!" After a few reassurances we carry on to the top floor of the building where Jenna lets us know "This right."

The kids run down the long hall and then ring the doorbell. Grandpa is always waiting and opens the door with a joyful hello. We all take our shoes off and I kick the randomly dropped items under the hall table so that no one trips over our collection of shoes. We have of course all worn our shorts and t-shirts as Grandpa and Grandma keep their suite at about 85 degrees. We are all typically rosy cheeked by the time we leave.

I have given the kids the usual lecture on what kind of visit this will be (calm and quiet) and that we will leave in one hour - so please don't ask me every five minutes. We talk about how many treats will be eaten, how many will be saved and how when you are talking to Grandpa or Grandma you must use your loud, clear voice and be sure to point your body toward them. Once the rules are clear we find our seats and begin our visit.

We catch up on the events of the week, who is doing what, how school and sports are going and what Jenna's latest antics are. We hear the adventures of the week that they have had. My favorite part is where I tell Grandma and Grandpa what I am struggling with. They are a wise sounding board for me with over 180 years of wisdom between them. Tonight I shared with them that Jasper has been having nightmares and has been up nearly every hour, or more, all through the night for the last six weeks. Grandma shared with me that she too had similar vivid nightmares when she was that age. She said that her dad would sit up with her in the night, hold her hand and reassure her that she would be okay. She said that they were vivid dreams, terrifying and real. She told me that even when she was roused she could not distinguish what was reality and what was a nightmare.

I am always reassured that nothing changes over the years. Even as we explain ipods and how incredible technology is now - nothing has changed relationally. A dad is still your best defense against your worst nightmares. A parent holding your hand is still your greatest ally in the dark. And perhaps most importantly for me, a parent will survive without sleep, in the name of defense against fear - both real and imagined.

I can picture Herman there, in the dark, reassuring his daughter. He was an incredible father. He gave everything to be with her. I can picture the room, the bed, the quilt, I can see him on his knees in prayer, holding her hand and comforting her through the terrifying nights. I hope that I can do the same... when I am at my wits end with getting up, I hope I can embrace it so that one day when Jasper is a Great Grandpa he can say to his Great Grandchild, my mother and dad were always there for me. I had terrifying, vivid nightmares but they were always there, telling me that it was going to be okay. They spent the wee hours in prayer - so that I would have peace in the night.

Thank you God for the gift of generations. Thank you for my Grandparents. Let me make each day a thread that will weave the legacy of who we are as a family.

Fire the CEO

If I were the CEO my company would be bankrupt... and I'd likely be getting sued. I often think about what a lousy job I am doing. If I were employed by anyone, I'd be let go.

The problem is that being a mother to my three kids isn't a job. It's a 24 hour, never ending marathon in learning. And even at that, I am not catching on quickly.

Another day has come and gone and I have yelled, kissed, threatened, hugged, irritated, encouraged, forgotten and remembered all things important. And that was just before we got to school.

I wish I had unending reserves of calm, but sadly, calm escapes me.

Tonight the babysitter was overwhelmed when I got home. What is the bedtime routine? Why won't the kids stop crying? Why won't the youngest eat? The thing is - I have no idea. I don't know how I get the youngest to sleep. Most nights it's endless hours of coaxing by her bedside. Why doesn't she eat? Because she doesn't want to... and can you make her? No.

I wish I had some answers. I wish I knew why things don't run smoothly. One thing I am constantly giving up is my control. I daily have to accept that even though I am a reasonably smart human being that I have no power of the three little people that have been left in my care.

Am I running this company? No. Minute by minute it is running me. Do I enjoy it? Most of the time. When Jasper smiles at me with his gapped tooth smile, when Jenna laughs or reaches her arms out for me. When Jacob says, I love you mom and wraps his arms around me. That is the pay... the big reward. It's terrible pay, but I love it.

I am learning. Not quickly.

Today I pray for safety, sanity and security for my three dear ones so that they can survive another day while I learn how to run this company.